Phrases like “Just stay positive!”, “Look on the bright side”, and “Turn that frown upside down” are super common and seem harmless. But when you’re going through something tough, these kinds of responses can seem insensitive and even hurtful. That’s because it’s simply impossible and even unhealthy to be positive all the time. Some situations call for honesty, vulnerability, and letting yourself feel all of your true feelings. We live in a culture that prioritizes happiness over authenticity because admitting to having negative emotions can be uncomfortable. Something as simple as being expected to answer “Good” or “Great” when the cashier at the grocery store asks you how your day is going showcases a deeper reality that our society doesn’t encourage all feelings- just positive ones. But the truth is that you don’t have to be positive all the time. In fact, trying to force positivity all the time can do more harm than good.
What is Toxic Positivity?
Toxic positivity is the mindset that no matter what, you should always maintain a cheerful and upbeat attitude. It’s the pressure to stay positive even when you’re upset, hurting, or overwhelmed. The phrases that were mentioned earlier can be examples of toxic positivity when used in the wrong context. While these comments and this mindset often come from a good place, they can actually shut down meaningful conversations and invalidate someone’s real feelings. This idea that feeling sad, angry, frustrated, or anxious sometimes makes you weak is simply incorrect- these emotions make you human. Emotions aren’t necessarily a problem to be
fixed- they’re signals that are meant to be understood. Toxic positivity turns the diverse array of human emotions into a performance, where only “positive” ones are allowed. However, true mental wellness isn’t about pretending everything is okay. Being real with yourself and others, even when things are messy and uncomfortable is much more rewarding.
Why All Emotions Matter
It’s easy to label emotions as “good” or “bad” with happiness, joy, and excitement being “good” emotions and sadness, anger, and anxiety being “bad” emotions. But in reality, every emotion serves a purpose, and all of them are important. Emotions are like internal signals which give us information about what’s going on around us and inside us. Just as positive emotions do, negative emotions also give us important signals. Sadness can show that we’ve lost something important to us and may signal that we need extra support. Anger can alert us to boundaries that have been crossed or injustices that need to be addressed. Anxiety was originally a survival instinct and can help us prepare for challenges. Even boredom can be a sign that we’re craving change or growth. When we ignore or suppress any of our emotions, they don’t go away and instead build up and show themselves in other ways like stress or burnout. By allowing ourselves to acknowledge the full range of our emotions, we build self-awareness and emotional resilience while being able to process and move through hard emotions instead of being stuck in them. Sometimes, the healthiest thing you can do is stop chasing happiness 24/7 and just sit with your feelings, and let them exist without judgement.
When Negative Emotions Become Harmful
While our focus has been on the importance of making space for all emotions, it’s important to recognize when certain feelings may be no longer helpful- and even become harmful. Emotions like sadness and anger are completely normal but when they start to linger for long periods of time without change, interfere with your ability to function, or lead to self-isolation, it may be a sign that you need support processing them. There’s a difference between feeling your emotions and being consumed by them. Balance means giving attention to hard emotions without letting them take control. Some signs that you’re finding a healthy emotional balance are allowing yourself to feel difficult emotions without shame, seeking out and noticing moments of joy even if they’re small, knowing when to reach out for support, and utilizing tools to help you regulate your emotional state.
Balancing Positivity with Authenticity
Positivity is a great thing but there’s a huge difference between genuine positivity and forced positivity. Authenticity means honoring your real emotional experience and being able to say “I’m not doing great right now” without feeling like you’re letting anyone down. When space is allowed for both the good and the bad, true emotional balance can be achieved. You can still be grateful and overwhelmed or excited and anxious. It’s important to keep in mind that these emotions often coexist which is why reframing language to be more emotionally validating is so important. Instead of phrases like “Just be positive!” or “At least it’s not worse”, try saying “It makes sense you feel this way”, “You’re allowed to be upset about that”, “You don’t have to fix everything right now”, and my favorite: “I’m here for you, no matter how you feel”.
Overall, you don’t have to smile through the pain or shrink your sadness to make others feel more comfortable. All of your feelings are valid and being mentally healthy means acknowledging every emotion, even those that are more challenging. You can feel heavy things and still be strong, chase growth, and heal. The next time you catch yourself trying to bury those challenging emotions and pretend they don’t exist, take a breath and ask yourself what you really need in that moment. Maybe it’s rest, a good cry, a shoulder to lean on, or the permission to not be okay for a little while. Real self-care isn’t about chasing constant positivity- it’s about embracing every emotion that makes up your unique human experience.
